Sunday, October 23, 2011

Temper, Temper

Once again I'm coming off of a week in which I was too busy to think and almost too busy to breathe.  And it's not over yet... but as God is my witness, I WILL get my grading finished by Tuesday.

I have to.  Another batch of papers is coming in on Tuesday night.

But I need a change of pace, so I think I'll blog about the bugs.  It's an all-out war.  As George Costanza's father shouted when he spotted a mouse, "I will not tolerate infestation!!!!"

Actually, I shouted that a few times as I was cleaning out my pantry last weekend.  It was my desperate effort to make myself laugh at the creepy-crawly grossness.

It turns out, the toaster had been compromised.  So I tossed it.  This may sound insane and you're probably thinking, "But just clean it... I'm sure it'll be fine...."

Oh, are you?  Are you really?  Would you keep that cavalier attitude if you knew that there was a possibility that dozens of THESE had been crawling around inside of it?

English muffin, anyone?

Yeah, I didn't think so.  Indian meal moth eggs are microscopic and each moth lays hundreds of them

Don't be naive, soldier.  There is NO margin for error here.

And if it sounds like I've gone off the deep end about this, I'd like to see how zen you are after lying on your back and your stomach with your feet hanging out of a pantry cupboard that just happens to have a lazy susan installed, trying desperately to believe that this is a battle you can actually win with a vacuum cleaner.

I can't even get to the back of the cupboard to clean it: I don't fit.

I read somewhere that they don't like bay leaves, so I put them into my canisters of flour and sugar, hoping for the best.  I never found any in there, ever, so I'm hoping.

Of course this meant that when I sleepily took the lid off of the sugar canister bright and early one morning to fix myself a nice cup of coffee, I almost jumped out of my skin.

"It's only a bay leaf.  That I put there.  Myself.  It'll be okay."

I have no idea whether this will work, but I couldn't resist a completely vindictive gesture: I was making jelly with jalapenos, and I actually put a couple of seeds on the shelf where I had found the worms.

I hope they crawl right into that little capsacin landmine and it blows their disgusting little red heads off.

Really, I'm not a violent person.  Not at all.  But it isn't much fun to live in fear every time you want to cook or eat a whole grain.  Or open the pantry.

I think the stress is taking its toll.  I bought a new trash can (not because of the bugs, but because I wanted a smaller one that fit under the sink) and the latch on it crapped out after a week.  So much for the cheap plastic option from Target.

I got so annoyed that it wouldn't stay shut that I actually pounded the lid repeatedly with my fist and then kicked the trash can.  When I realized what I was doing, I yelled, "Walk it off!" and... walked it off.

Yeah, I have a temper.  I inherited it from my dad.  We're amazingly balanced and easygoing most of the time (we're Libras after all), but every now and then, something sends us right over the edge. 

I got mad at a roll of cheap plastic wrap one time (couldn't find the end and it just kept peeling out in small strips, not a full length), so I pounded it like baseball bat on the kitchen counter and flung it against the wall.

I walked that one off too.

Time to meet your maker, meal moths.

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Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, "Life is short, but there is always time for courtesy."