Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Close Encounters with the Small Screen

Apparently, it was driving my cat-sitter nuts that I had no TV or Internet access at my condo, because when I returned from South Carolina, she had willed me a digital converter box and an antenna.

(Yes, I have a non-digital TV.  It cost $99. in 2004, I'll have you know.)

So now I get CBS and NBC.

After months away from the small screen, here are my immediate reactions:

I have nothing but kontempt for Kourtney, Khloe, and Kim Kardashian.  (At least there was only one of Paris Hilton.)

When they said "Ted Williams," I thought they meant the baseball player.  So when I saw Ted Williams, I thought, "Who the hell is that?"

I still think everyone looked better before their (totally obvious) plastic surgeries.

Jared Lee Loughner isn't Tea-Party-Crazy.  He's Just-Plain-Crazy.

Purchasing your own Glock means I will now have to watch out for you AND the Crazy Guy.

Sarah Palin is Really-Not-Very-Bright and either 1) somewhat proud of that fact, or 2) blissfully unaware of it. 

Even if you pumped me full of Xanax and Klonopin, I still wouldn't be able to make it through an episode of "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" without asking, "Isn't there anything else on?"

If we fined the news media $1000. every time they used the word "bipartisan," we'd no longer be in a recession.

After this sentence, I will never again use the word "bipartisan."

As a courtesy to the rest of us, women who truly admire Patti Stanger should wear T-shirts that say "Desperate, Greedy Parasite" on the front and "Shamelessly Superficial" on the back.

In America, a "second chance" and a "fresh start" mean a free trip to Hollywood and a chance to do the talk-show circuit.

I have never liked "How I Met Your Mother" and that will never change.

"60 Minutes" has totally sold out.

Snookie and I might as well be members of two totally different species.

No matter how patrician they try to sound, Oprah is from Mississippi and Madonna is from Michigan, and everyone knows it.

Everyone's boobs are showing and none of them are real.

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Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, "Life is short, but there is always time for courtesy."